“Well, it’s five o’clock somewhere, and I need to update my resume. Would you put ‘day drinking’ under ‘experience’ or ‘special skills’?”
If you’re like me, you marathoned Jessica Jones this past weekend and came away with one burning question: what whiskeys does Jessica drink? Sure, Jessica sometimes drinks things other than whiskey, such as in episode 8 when she has several large, healthy glasses of grape juice…
…but whiskey is her true passion. And I’m here to tell you that I have used my considerable alcohol-identifying skills and Google prowess to catalogue (almost) every whiskey that Jessica Jones consumes on the show. I’m just that good. You’re welcome.
1. JIM BEAM
Right off the bat we know that Jessica likes her classic Kentucky bourbons — the cheaper, the better. In episode 1 when she heads out to spy on Luke Cage like the emotionally constipated mess that she is, it’s Jim Beam that she pours into the thermos for her stake-out.
2. CUTTY SARK
There’s an empty bottle of this chilling on Jessica’s nightstand in one shot. Like J&B, I suspect Cutty Sark comes in a green bottle to disguise its pale piss colour. There is only one way to describe its flavour and that is “blended Scotch under $30.”
Right next to the Cutty Sark you can see a knocked over bottle of Teacher’s Whiskey, another blended Scotch. I like that when Jessica decides to switch up her drinking a little bit, she goes from the suspiciously cheap bourbon to the suspiciously cheap Scotch.
4. MAKER’S MARK
As far as I can tell, Jessica rarely drinks good whiskey. One of these rare good whiskeys is Maker’s Mark, which Luke pours for her on “ladies’ night.” When I was nine years old my family visited the Maker’s Mark Distillery in Kentucky, and I can still smell that fucking place in my dreams. Heaven is a Maker’s Mark distillery and Luke Cage has good taste.
5. WILD TURKEY/”WILD FOWL”
In episode 4, Jessica pops into a corner store to pick up an energy drink, beef jerky, and “bourbon, cheapest one you got.” Wild Turkey is what the store clerk gives her. I’ve never tried this whiskey and, to be honest, I don’t really want to. Even more stomach-turning is the “Wild Fowl” which Luke Cage finds in Jessica’s otherwise liquorless apartment in episode 12. This is just fake Wild Turkey; I even found the graphics company responsible for it, and they do a whole bunch of fake liquors.
6. OLD GRAND DAD
One of the few repeats in the show, Old Grand Dad pops up in a couple scenes. As is apparent from this rather long list, Jessica has no brand loyalties when it comes to her liquor, but I guess she must find something distinctively appealing about Old Grand Dad. Maybe it’s the label’s cool orange colour.
7. FOUR ROSES
After her emotional constipation and secret-keeping cause her thing with Luke Cage to blow up, Jessica turns to the comforts of Four Roses. And one or two other whiskeys, including Maker’s Mark. I wonder if she now associates the taste of Maker’s Mark with Luke. Oh, Jessica.
8. HEAVEN HILL
I’ve never tried Heaven Hill bourbon, but I just discovered that Heaven Hill Distillery produces Elijah Craig, a bourbon that I have tried, sometimes several times in a single sitting.
This is what the non-drinking Trish keeps in her kitchen for Jessica, which is sweet. True love is gently nurturing your gal pal’s alcoholism.
10. WINSTON (AKA WINDSOR)
There is one whiskey that, despite the clear shot of the label, I’ve been unable to positively identify, probably because, like the Wild Fowl, it’s not real. “Winston” seems to be a Canadian whiskey, and indeed it looks like Windsor Supreme Canadian Whiskey. Since this is the only Canadian whiskey on the show, my best guess is that there was some international copyright issue and the production team had to alter the label. Or maybe, as with the Wild Fowl, props just wanted to throw some fake whiskeys in among the real. Just know that I spent more than an hour furiously Googling and trying to puzzle out this mystery. This is what I do in my spare time. This is the life I’ve chosen for myself.
Now that you have been briefed on Jessica Jones’s drinking habits, it is your duty as fans to go forth, buy every single bottle listed here, gather your friends, and rewatch the entire season while getting immensely drunk. If you’re feeling especially daring, see who can get through ten consecutive shots (one of each whiskey) without dying.
In conclusion, Marvel, please hire me as a liquor consultant for your alcoholic superheroes. I know my shit.